Grief

 


Ambers Prayer 

May the people who have lost loved ones and need comfort, be blessed with love in their lives, to comfort them and hold them close when times get tough.

May Gods love bless all your lives and keep you all safe.

And may Love and grace touch and bless the lives of those who come for comfort and friendship.

Amen  xxx moonchild xxx


Testament


"But how can I live without you?" she cried

I left all the world to you when I died.

Beauty of earth and air and sea;

leap of swallow or a tree;

Kiss of rain and winds embrace;

Passion of storm and winters face;

Touch of feather, flower and stone;

Chisselled line of branch or bone;

Flight of stars, nights caravan;

Song of crickets-and of man-

All these I put in my testament,

All these I bequeathed to you when I went.

"But how can I see them without your eyes or touch them without your hand"?

These too, these too I leave to you.



Dad 

Today
All the white petals fell from the rose
My beautiful rose.
And all that was left of the strong stem
Was an invisible spiral aspiring heaven bound
Umbilical
Connecting the clay to beyond the stars.

May 2005


Seasons of grief

My Daddy died amidst the bluebells and nettle greens
And part of me has died too
A new season now.  I walk at dusk
Amidst the corn and the poppies
And I feel different but never better.
I wonder how many summers will pass
Before my grief begins to flower
And turn towards the light.
I wonder when I will feel life warm in my bones again
Or if my destiny lies in the snowy flake of winter
With only a log fire to warm my soul

July 05


Grief beyond belief

NO

Never

Never Ever

So so angry

So so painful

So so brutally raw

So so broken

So so sadly

So so slowly

So so hurting

Desperately

Crawling

Grasping

Clinging

Maybe

Questioningly

Unbelievably

Did I really just feel

Warm sunshine on my broken face

My body, my spirit, my spirituality, my magic?

May 07


Injustice of Miscarriage

Baby ripped from my mind as if

A murderer has snatched you and slammed shut the door.

Foetus melting drip by red drip

Like my faith full heart

My mouth contorted and sadness in concrete set

No words can free me from my burden

For my needs have not been met

C                                               r                                                   y

And still I have a faith but it isnít Gods faith.  Its my faith and its broken and damaged and trying desperately to mend.

Nov 06



A solitary peace

I like myself. I like my intentions.
I have met myself when I am in a raw state stripped away of all of life (other than survival)

I liked me, the core of me, what was left of me. When everything else was stripped away.

When Sky almost died and meadow was seriously ill, I was stripped to within the very depths of who I am. The most basic level of being. No faith (beyond faith) (beyond hope).

Suspended. Levitating in a beyond desperate, beyond broken but somehow buoyant existence of complete focus on the undistracted fully present living pain of this immediate moment. The now.

And when my dearest dear daddy died and I was holding his hand and he breathed from my world to the next, nothing about myself felt weak or frail or wrong or bad, only good.

And I was left being half of what he had given me, half of what he had made me. And I had loved with all of me who I had come from. Not just the person carved out by a hard graft of a life. Not the sometimes tired person but all of him the very core of him. His very essence. His very being.

And in these moments I found God.

Not perceiving me wrongly. Not misunderstanding me. not reacting to me. Not changing me from what I am. Not causing me frustration. Not complicating me. Not controlling me. Just simply letting me be.

I donít always truly believe that we are truly 100 % us.

We are almost a by-product of situations and daily occurrences and our mechanism for dealing with the daily interactions shapes us. Unfortunately sometimes more than I would want it to.

After a difficult day of communication with blood relatives: my children and my husband are forever forgiving, accepting, unnoticing, and unconditionally loving, and thereís an easy acceptance and peace which we all breath and live and feel.

And by the end of a difficult days communication with friends or non blood people I feel like hiding in the deepest darkest depths of the moon and only venturing out once in a blue.

Not when I am blue.

Ironically whilst typing and listening to radio 4, John O'Donohue was on something understood,   Night Night God Bless xxx Amber xxx

Dec 08


Separation from my first husband


Sinuous shadows
Ghost of pearls that haunts my life
Until it bleeds dry
I writhe in pain and hurt, mind flies
Thwarted dreams twisted
Youth dies inside
Entombed in my aged soul
And I am still young
Though life began a long time ago
This part has only just begun
Stinging my body
Wringing my mind numb
Belly knotted like a wreath
I grieve.

2001