blogs archive aug-oct 09
Sept 24th 09
Today was beautiful. At 8.45 I dropped Eliza at the childminders and I
walked quietly round to our little church. I lit a candle for my Daddy and
then sat at the back in my usual seat. There were shafts of hot bright
sunlight magnified by the glass windows. The church felt blessed.
There are only ever a handful of people at mid week mass and sometimes being a
late starter you can feel quite self conscious. But not today, today was
beautiful, and simple and easy.
I was there because I love my Daddy who died four years ago. Yesterday
the 23rd of September was his birthday. 64 this year. 59 is So young
Yesterday I placed some bright yellow roses, fern and some shocking pink
carnations in a simple little jug on the table next to Dads photo. The
children said a prayer for him. A little bit mumble jumbled but Dad would
have laughed. God I miss him so much. More than you can imagine
anyone would miss their Daddy.
Yesterday I was given the key to our little church, and I snook into the
little chapel and lit a candle. I was the only person inside. The silence
was deep and beautiful. I shut my eyes and I cried and cried and
cried. And when I opened them I looked at Jesus on the cross, on the wall
in front of me, and I kept on crying and he looked right back at me it seemed,
just holding me there.
To be very smiley and happy on the outside is all very well, but sometimes I
just want to collapse in to a heap and be hugged till the tears have
stopped. Later I went on a five mile hike. That’s always good and
quite often spiritual. My healthy mind and healthy heart therapy.
This week is really difficult. Somebody I love is leaving. I use
the word love, but it is far bigger than love. It is AGAPE, the love
that God has for us. Unconditional Love. A deep love which you
can feel from the very depths of ones soul, an untainted and unexpected
love. Like that first deep Love you feel for your new baby, an almost
still umbilically attached Love, a Love not entirely separate from self.
Difficult to explain, even more difficult to express, best held in silence
too I imagine, (rather, I have learnt!).
People's reactions and perceptions and interpretations of me and the way I
express myself, throw me off kilter all the time. With often the two ends
not meeting. Conversation absent. Silence sad.
That I think is
where God comes in. He knows. And he Loves me. And this is enough to
make me carry on Loving people regardless.
The Holy Grail of life is quite simple. It is
St Paul Corinthians 1.13.
Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not Loving
kindness, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.
And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all
knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and
have not Loving kindness, I am nothing.
And although I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my
body to be burned, and have not Loving kindness, it profiteth me nothing.
Loving kindness suffereth long, and is kind; Loving kindness envieth not;
Loving kindness vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked,
thinketh no evil;
Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all
Loving kindness never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall
fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it
shall vanish away.
For we know in part, and we prophesy in part.
But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be
When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as
a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in
part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
nd now abideth faith, hope and Loving kindness these three; but the greatest
of these is Loving kindness.
'Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not
boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not
easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in
evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always preserves. Love never fails...' (1 Corinthians 13.4-8
“may a slow wind work these words of love around you, an invisible cloak to
xxx God bless you forever Amber xxx
September 1st 2009
Deep peace of the running wave to you
Deep peace of the flowing air to you
Deep peace of the quiet earth to you
Deep peace of the shining stars to you
Deep peace of the son of peace to you.
7 th August 09
Everything changes. Just as I feel secure and am ecstatically
happy with life, and feel that I just want to press the pause button, because
everything is perfect, Everything changes.
Special people die, and life is never to be the same again. Dearest
people move away, and the special influence they have on my life moves away with
them, to bless others. Just leaving the trace of their being, and my
stinging with missing them.
And although the best of intentions is made for us to keep in touch, the
reality is that the distance between us dilutes the friendship, till it is of
homeopathic strength only. I have long distance friends, I know. All is
immediately healed when we are back in each others company, and perfect once
again, but its only temporary reprieve and the parting is all too soon
Do others feel like me?
Heaven for me would be, all the people I love and have collected over the
years living around one village green. Never to move away. Enriching
each others lives. Building Love upon Love.
Why would any body want to give away the things they Love and cherish.
Why would anybody want to give up on Love. If God is Love, why would we
turn away from Love. Why would we move else where and start again building
something we already had.
Husbandy says I see everything in Technicolor, and others don’t. He often
says, as to how we see things in life, "It's all in the mind, my dearest".
My mind mostly! That's what he loves about me.
I now have a rather
special mindful, of scattered loves around the universe. Women, men, old
people, young people, gay, straight, single, married, alive and dead. We
do love each other so why dont we make the most of each other, whilst we
are still alive? Why do we settle for less, or for once in a
Why doesn’t our conversation tackle the truths we feel inside, and why dont
we share our feelings and disappointments, and wonders and hopes, and Love as
often as we should.
I’m approaching forty and I have just discovered on Radio 4 s ‘Something
Understood’ programme, that apparently its not thought gentlemanly to express
your feelings in public.
Oopps! Why did God put my heart on my sleeve? Why do I find it so
very easy to express the way I feel, and others do not? There are souls I
love deeply, and I can not help but tell them. And my handful of special
souls seemingly love me back. What makes some people shocked by my
openness, and others accepting, and others amused, and others hospitable, and
other understanding, and other grateful, and others no doubt mortified?
On my way home, I find myself regularly taking a detour in my car, round the
block, because I love to glimpse the position of the shadow, thrown by the
simple plain cross on my church as it transiently moves through the day.
It for some reason lifts me.
When I’m out alone walking, and I pass the people I love in their cars, their
very presence lifts me. When I walk past my dear friends houses, the
essence of those homes and the warmth radiating from within them, lifts
me. When I hear a song and the lyrics are relevant, it lifts me.
The people I Love, My handful of loves, lift me. And when there is a
lack of contact or they are not close, or they move away, I feel flat and sad
and unmotivated, and my spirit feels lack lustre and I don’t feel fully
And the promise of eternal life with them, is not what I would choose, if I
could choose to live along side my handful of Loves right now, until the day I
My handful of loves, are my dearest scattered people and friends,
that one holds so very close in ones mind, and as very treasure in ones
Thank you Dear God that I am blessed with my beautiful family. x